Sex Tips for Men – From a Therapist

by Sunny Blake

This article is based on the YouTube video Sex Tips for Men – From a Therapist (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuvuJsiyVvw
). We’re diving into the challenges many men face in navigating sexual relationships, the lack of positive role models, and practical advice for building trust, emotional connection, and healthier intimacy.

Today I'm here to talk to men. Positive role models and examples of healthy sexual relationships are pretty much non-existent for most men out there. Too many men are uninformed, misinformed, or fearful in general in how to approach sex, and they've decided to just deprioritize love and relationships altogether. Research has shown that 63% of young men under 30 have dropped out of the dating pool entirely. Furthermore, recent data predicts that 45% of women between the ages of 25 and 44 will be single and childless by 2030. Not only are these issues affecting the current generation of men, but they also have significant downstream consequences for society at large. As a psychotherapist trained in marriage and family therapy, I know how urgently you guys need encouragement and direction. So today, I've got three sex tips especially for you.

Tip number one: Quality over quantity

Don't prioritize having a high body count. It really doesn't mean what you think it's going to mean. Cultural messaging really gaslights men into believing that they're supposed to have sex with as many women as they can, that it's in their nature, that it makes them more of a man, and that it makes them better at sex—all of which are lies. Evolutionarily speaking, humans are not the same as other animals. Human mothers have a relatively longer gestation period than the rest of the animal kingdom, and our babies are significantly more reliant on their parents for much longer. So the survival of the vulnerable mother and the offspring required men to stick around. Primal men were not impregnating and evacuating the way that other animals do.

And in regards to the lie that a higher body count makes you more of a man, I think that comes down to what exactly people mean by that. So if you believe the first lie—that it's in men's nature to sleep around a lot—then the second lie is an easy follow-through. However, since the first lie is not true, being more of a man has to mean something else. Take a minute and consider what qualities and characteristics of a man would be worth becoming more similar to. What comes to mind? Resilience, strength, integrity, responsibility, courage, decisiveness. Those are not qualities that you gain by leaving a trail of used bodies and broken hearts.

Because of this, high body counts are more likely to prolong male adolescence rather than promote the development of manhood. A high body count doesn't even make you better at sex. If you're going quantity over quality, you're not really learning anything. Think about it: the first time that you have sex with somebody, that's usually the worst it will ever be because you don't really know what each other likes yet. Every woman's body is different, and we all like different things. Having sex once or twice before you move on to the next means you're trying similar moves with different women and hoping that it works. It's kind of like calling yourself a musician because you've picked up many instruments once or twice. No, a musician picks up one instrument dozens and dozens of times and develops mastery. Getting great at sex is very similar. You should learn one woman's body to a masterful level by having a positive and ongoing relationship with her. That's how you get really great at sex.

Furthermore, women have better orgasms when we're emotionally bonded with a man. That being said, having a really high body count can make you worse at sex. Don't aim to be a jack of all trades but a master of none.

However, there are things that having a high body count does do:

• It makes you better at detaching from the emotional experience of sex.

• It keeps you at a distance from prolonged physical intimacy.

• It makes you better at dissociating from the humanity of the women you have sex with.

• It keeps you from experiencing deep connection and love.

• It reinforces overgeneralized negative beliefs about women.

• It keeps you from being accountable and honorable towards yourself and the women that you sleep with.

If you already have a high body count, this is not meant to be a judgment. Consider this an opportunity to reflect on what brought you to this place and whether or not you want to continue to stay here. If you don't have a lot of sexual experience, consider this an invitation to let go of the lies you were told and focus on healthier means of sexual development.

Tip number two: Wean off of porn

I know I'm probably not the first person to tell you that porn is really bad for your brain. There are a ton of great podcasts and YouTube videos that break down the negative neurological and hormonal impact of porn. I'm going to break it down for you in a simple, practical way. Porn makes men too reliant on visual cues in order to orgasm. Watching porn regularly makes it really difficult to focus on the physical sensations during sex. It's harder to stay present in the moment when you're actually with a woman. Plus, porn makes performance anxiety much worse.

Think about it: porn is literally a performance. Sex in real life is not. Sex is a shared experience between two people. While porn illustrates a man doing something to a woman rather than doing something with her, we women can feel the difference. Here's a healthy reminder: healthy women enjoy the lad.

Watching porn is also a passive activity. You're sitting or lying there, staring at a screen with a lot of intensity, and your body is not moving very much. When you repeat this process over and over again, you wire your brain and body to experience sexual pleasure in a stagnant state, cut off from the overall athletic posture of sex. So when you are called for action in real life with a woman, men can freeze up.

I know a lot of men say, "Well, watching porn gives me ideas, I learn a lot from watching porn." Watching porn does not make you better at sex—the same way watching a basketball game doesn't make you better at basketball. Playing the game is what makes you better. It is much better to have more sex with a consistent partner that you're able to trust, talk through, and experiment about what you both like. That way, it's not a performance; it's an ongoing process of learning ultimate pleasure for both parties. This learning encourages intimacy outside of the bedroom by building emotional trust and communication. The more emotionally connected you are, the more she enjoys it, and the more she enjoys it, the more you enjoy it. Finally, the quality of orgasm during sex is much better without regular porn use. If you haven't tried that yet, see for yourself.

Tip number three: Don't assume she's competent in her birth control methods
Women love to give men a hard time for not understanding women's bodies. However, it is shocking how many women do not have hormonal literacy or understand their own reproductive cycle. There is a lot of information out there now about the negative side effects of various forms of birth control. Many women are switching between options or getting off birth control altogether without fully understanding the process or disclosing that process to their sexual partners.

Birth control on its own is already imperfect, and human beings are also imperfect. Sometimes these lapses or inconsistencies are honest mistakes. Sometimes it's a learning curve adjusting to a new form of birth control. However, sometimes it is deliberate incompetence—whether it's an attempt for her to have a child that she's impatient to have on her own, or as a means to get a man to commit to her romantically or financially.

Let me be clear: most women are not like this. Only about 10% of the women's population would have a personality disorder where this would be something you need to be concerned about. However, these women do exist, and you guys need to be prepared for that. On top of it, hookup culture and the normalization of situationships have left women really frustrated on how to get men to commit to them. Women of poor character or mental illness are willing to use a child as a means to get a guy to stick around or to exploit his biological capital to give herself a child.

Men, you really need to be selective with whom you decide to have sex with because the possibility of conceiving a child is always there. Do not have unprotected sex with a woman you are not committed to and would not be okay if she accidentally became the mother of your child. The fastest way to ruin your life is to have a kid with the wrong person. Resist the urge to rush into sex as soon as she's okay with it. If she is interested in sex early on without having a formal commitment between the two of you, do not interpret that as flattering—take that as a sign of insecurity or emotional immaturity.

The cost of pregnancy is much higher on women, and if she's gambling with that, you should consider that as reckless. You need to assess her personality and her character over time—at a minimum of 30 to 60 days, but 90 days would be even better. Time is the best ally when it comes to exposing signs of poor character, mental illness, or carelessness in contraception.

If you'd like more information on how to assess for a healthy partner, check out my video: Signs of Emotional Maturity and How to Date for a Long-Lasting Marriage.

Men, did you like this video? What other advice do you have for the guys out there? Let us know in the comment section below. Thank you so much for watching. Remember to like and subscribe, and I'll see you in the next one.

Author’s YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@tipsfromatherapist – you can follow for more guidance.